The critical self-awareness questions most leaders fail to ask
Minor trigger warning: This references my own mental health during a short and manageable low. I am not a licensed therapist, nor do I believe coaching is the appropriate remedy for depression, anxiety, or other real and meaningful mental health experiences that deserve clinical care. If this puts you in a tough spot, please skip the article.
My partner has known me at my very worst…really, like he knew me through puberty. He didn’t especially like me when I was a precocious six-year-old Shirley Temple wannabe, but he has seen it. So when he asked more than once this week what was going on with me, I knew I couldn’t hide much anymore.
But what I needed to reveal? I didn’t know. And that was the fear. I knew I was “off,” but I didn’t know what I needed to get back to “on.” I remember looking at him, and very practically asking, “When you’re stressed, do you know what’s wrong?” I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t obviously worried or frantic, my typical dramatic reaction to the big emotions I tend to surf. I was blank, and also drawing a blank. And if it’s possible to be scared of not being scared, that was my experience. Without going too deep into the sacred space of my own therapy, I felt like I was watching a woman who looked like me plod forward into a dark arena, and I couldn’t stop her.
Whatever this mental experience was, it wasn’t a good one. I was dropping balls I typically juggle with ease. The sparkle that flows naturally from me like floating confetti was a manual effort, painstakingly bejeweling each sequin onto the denim jacket of conversations. I was still doing the job, but without the ease or excellence I typically enjoy. For you, maybe this mental low feels like overwhelm, exhaustion, panic, anxiety, depression, or worry. Maybe you never feel anything quite so extreme, but you know the burden of too much work, expectations or other weight we carry.
And when you’re in a low space, it’s harder to see the tools in your tool box. It’s like waking up in a dark room, not wanting to make too much noise, and rifling through your dresser for gym clothes. It’s not until halfway through your pre-dawn workout that you realize you’re wearing pajamas. Backwards. And inside out. The solution in this scenario is to stack the options in your favor. Put the leggings you love to wear to the gym in their own drawer. Make it easier on your bleary-eyed sleepy self. Reduce the options. Increase the chances that you’ll make a great decision, even without trying.
Our strengths and our wellbeing are the same way. When you’re healthy and it’s bright outside, you do the work not only to identify what you do best, but to investigate with eyes wide open the specific actions and environments that fill you when you’re at your worst. Too many of us see strengths-based development as purely productivity-driven. We stop after we’ve named, claimed, and aimed our strengths at more dollars, less waste, or one extra hour of output. But the scientific genius behind CliftonStrengths offers so much more. You are more than your potential to perform. Your strengths also inform the most critical awareness you can have–what specific care you need in order to survive the lows and thrive in the highs.
I feel noticeably better today. And I can now see that when I was in a dark mental hole, the rope that connected me back to the surface was woven from heavy strands of Communication + Woo + honesty + connection. Add that all together and you have my personalized answer to “what do you need right now?” Though I didn’t know it at the time, I needed to talk it out. Specifically, I needed to storyboard the struggle and make sense of chaos, with more than one trusted friend, immediately in the moment. I also needed friends to just show up for a gentle reminder that they were here–in this case, a high five on a planned Peloton ride. A 10-min catch-up over Zoom. And thanks to the Communication, several different ways to put words to what I was rolling through.
Now, many authors and coaches might take what worked for them and prescribe it as a how-to for the masses. But that is also missing the value of a personalized approach to your wellness. You don’t need my tools. You need to illuminate and understand your own. One person’s genius is another person’s jumbled mess, and there are going to be dark times where you are fumbling around, reaching for whatever resource you can grab. If you have investigated your own talent, and understand what your natural patterns of thought, feeling and behavior crave during times of struggle, you can grab for what you need, even in the dark.
Friends, talk, sweat, rest…they’re all generally good ways to care for yourself. But below the surface of general, you can set yourself up for resilience by personalizing the care your strengths hunger for. Don’t wait until the lights are off to explore what’s in your dresser. Build your awareness early and often. When it’s dark, it’s already too late.
Ready to get better at naming what you specifically need to refuel and recover during tough times? Consider these investigative questions:
When was the last time you woke up feeling better than you did when you fell asleep? What had you done prior to sleep that contributed to your improvement?
If you could choose any assignment, a challenge that would double or triple your effectiveness in something you’re already good at, what would you most want to spend your time doing?
Who are you with when you feel safest? What do they do that honors your way of being?
When was the last time you had an “aha” moment? What helped you create that clarity?
What are you known for doing exceptionally well? What environment or action makes that easy for you to do?
Look for patterns. These questions span a variety of experiences, but you are you, with all your messiness and magic, across each of them. Don’t get hung up on any one answer. Look instead for the types of actions, habits, relationships, or environments that come up more than once. If you need more help, consider what you would want to do, feel, eat, think about, share, or focus on.
My recovery activities all point back to my strengths and my values. If you’re doing your uniqueness a solid, you’ll notice your recovery needs are different. And you’ll do everyone a favor if you can know them for yourself and stay curious about how you can support the care and keeping of your partners.
If you want to learn more about the connection between stress, recovery, and CliftonStrengths, the 2023 cohorts for Strengths + Resilience have been released. Don’t miss the live course this March.
